My grin reached the end of both cheeks as my mom pulled my snow pants up and zipped my coat. She slid my mittens on, wrapped my scarf, and strapped my helmet. My dad came over and laced up my skates nice and tight. I looked like the Michelin Man, but I didn’t care. I was brimming with energy; this was the moment I had been waiting for, for what seemed like forever. I stumbled over to the door and stood there inspecting the ice surface before me. I took a deep breath and stepped out. It took me a while, but I conquered the art of skating that day with fluid, uninterrupted laps around the rink. In that moment, I fell head over heels in love with the beauty of the game.
While hockey was always my favorite, I constantly ventured out and tried as many new sports, activities, and crafts as possible as a kid; I couldn’t sit still. I sang on the way to hockey practice, did gymnastics during soccer practice, and twirled my stick like a baton during lacrosse practice. Although my baton twirling career did not go very far at all, it is my love for so many diverse activities that brings me fulfillment. Specifically, painting, playing the piano, surfing, and volunteering my time to those in need help maintain my sanity. My mind departs from a world of stress and chaos, and enters into a creative universe filled with pure joy and happiness. From athletics, to the arts, to music, I have never lived a life of one-dimensionality.
As the years passed by, it was time to start thinking about my future and which path I would like to pursue. Playing Division 1 hockey had been my dream since I was introduced to the game, and I knew that my talents on the ice could help me get into a great college someday. With words of encouragement from my coaches, teammates, and family, I was confident hockey was the sport I wanted to chase after. Hockey became the center of my life after I made that decision; every season of every year was dedicated to furthering my dream of playing at the Division 1 level. I spent each summer training to get stronger and faster. I shot hundreds of pucks, and rollerbladed everywhere to keep my skating legs in shape. It was a constant grind, but I loved it. I loved it because while I did focus much of my time on enhancing my game, I was able to do so many other things that I was passionate about. Hockey didn’t consume me, I still had the time to breathe, and focus on myself.
Fast forward to this year. I recently completed my first season as a Division 1 hockey player at Union College ¾ I made it. The endless lifting, conditioning, broken bones, and bruises from blocked shots were worth it; I conquered my dream, right? At the end of the season, however, I had this horrible feeling of dissatisfaction. I knew something was missing. Unfortunately, unlike many other players, I felt the opposite of fulfilled. Little did I know I would lose myself in the process of achieving the dream I hunted for so many years. I lost sight of several things once crucial to my happiness.
I gave up my other hobbies, and I lost friends due to my inability to give them the time and energy they deserve. I simply didn’t feel healthy, despite the extensive physical activity I was enduring every day, in the weight room and on the ice. My grades took a turn for the worse, and I was completely drowning in my schoolwork, specifically chemistry. One of my goals was to major in Neuroscience. I have always had a true passion for learning about the brain. How could I be a Neuroscience major if I couldn’t even get through Chemistry 101? Due to the excessive time commitment necessary at this level, and the numerous hockey engagements each day, I was in constant catch-up mode trying my best to keep up. I sat down with my advisor seeking academic assistance, in hopes of finding a better way to balance my zoo-like schedule. She looked me in the eye and said to me, “if you still love hockey and want to continue with it, you can settle for major that’s easier than Neuroscience.”
That night, I went back to my dorm and set up my tiny, but ambitious art studio in my room and started painting. In those rare moments I had time to paint, my emotions swept away with each stroke of the brush. My mind went into a state of deep thought. I kept replaying the moment my advisor told me I should settle for something easier. That word haunted me: settle. What if I didn’t want to settle? Did I love hockey enough to settle for mediocrity in other parts of my life? I am not mediocre! As scary as it was to think about moving on from something I’ve loved for so long, my answer to those questions was, no. I absolutely did not want to settle!
The nature of playing the game at this level has restricted me to exclusively a hockey player, and nothing more than that. I am way more than just a hockey player, and I always have been. Personally, I thrive in an environment where I can be whoever I want to be. As I look back and reflect on this past year, I realized that I have never felt as one-dimensional as I did over the course of the season. I truly didn’t feel as if I was bettering myself or the lives of others. I couldn’t paint, play the piano, or volunteer as much as I would’ve liked. I could barely even get a breath of fresh air. The limited free time I did find was dedicated to napping because my level of exhaustion was off the charts. I have always been a high spirited girl, radiating with positive energy every single day. This season, however, my enthusiasm was at an all time low. I was the worst version of myself, and that was not because of my teammates, my coaches, or the quality of my team. It was simply a direct result of not having enough time each day to focus on myself, and the things that ease my mind. I have so much love for the game of hockey, and I always will, but the truth is, I lost myself when playing for the love of the game became more like a full time job.
I recently decided to move on from the Division 1 lifestyle, with hopes of finding more fulfillment in the journey of life. It’s scary to give up something I’ve worked so hard for, but in my life, happiness is the ultimate goal. I do not want to catch myself going through the motions each day. I want to be exceedingly happy in all that I do, and I want to go to bed feeling more than fulfilled at the end of each day.
My message to you, is this: if you are not genuinely happy, it is perfectly okay to make a change. Despite the pressures you may be feeling from peers, parents, or siblings, happiness should always be your most important concern. Youth is a beautiful period of life. At this age, we are capable of anything. We have the ability to try new classes, new sports, new instruments, or languages that we have never tried before. If we love them, great! If not, that’s okay, too! There are so many other opportunities out there waiting for us. Life shouldn’t be about going through the motions to satisfy the requirements of society. We shouldn’t feel obligated to do something that doesn’t bring us fulfillment, just because we feel we have to continue with it. Life should be about doing whatever our heart’s desire. We are the driver of our own vehicle, and we are in control of everything we do. I am nineteen, going on twenty. This year I made the conscious decision of moving on from something that truly did not satisfy my wants and needs anymore. Of course it was scary, and of course there were people that definitely did not agree with my choice. I was petrified that I was letting down my teammates, coaches, friends and family. At the end of the day, however, I know that I am bettering myself rather than disappointing anyone. I am letting go of the sense of guilt, following my heart, and I could not be more excited about the brand new opportunities and adventures that are headed my way.
For those of you who thrive in the life of a Division 1 athlete, I truly admire your grit. I know first hand how difficult it is to balance everything on that plate, and I am envious of your ability to devote so much time into such a special opportunity. For those of you who did not make it to the Division 1 level, you are absolutely not a failure. I am perfectly aware of the intense pressure that is put on high school students to achieve excellence in athletics. I am guilty of saying it years back, but the phrase, “D1 or D-none” is an unfortunate way of making athletes feel that they are a disappointment if they don’t make it. The truth is, you will have so much fun playing at a Division 2, Division 3, club, or even intramural level. Whether you are a Division 1 star, or playing intramurals for fun, we can all agree that sports are played for the love of the game, and that should never be taken away from anybody.
Chemistry was the least of my problems. It was my intense, exclusive commitment to a sport I love so dearly that was driving my lack of fulfillment. I want to be more than a hockey player. I want to get involved, help those with disabilities, and contribute to the world around me. I want to study abroad, join random clubs, and meet people I would not have, if I was locked away in an ice rink for four years. I want to pursue my passions, and live up to my academic expectations. I want to focus my energy into taking care of myself and the people around me that I love so dearly. I want a fresh start. I am Abby Ellis, and I will not settle for mediocrity.
Edited by: Angelos Tsalafos (editor & publisher)
The Players' Cave 