I want to first start out by thanking Angelos for starting this, I think it’s a great idea and I am excited to be apart of it. I was born in Kingston, Ontario, the home of some great hockey players like Doug Gilmour, Kirk Muller, Ken Linesman and the list goes on. I grew up in a heavy hockey culture. Along with that, came the stigma of being this great, big, tough hockey player. As a hockey player you had to be strong, show no sign of pain, and go out there and score some goals.
I fell in love with the game. I loved the six o’clock practices in the morning, the sound of an empty arena, the flow of the game, the speed and my list goes on. All I ever wanted to do growing up was to play hockey. Of course, like every kid, my dream was to play in the NHL. I used to wear my Montreal Canadiens jersey everywhere because I would tell people that I was going to play for them one day. As you get older, you start to realize what it takes to play in the NHL and as I was heading into my Freshman year of high-school I realized that there is more to hockey. That is where my story begins.
My parents got divorced in the middle of my Freshman year. I was playing Major Bantam for the Kingston Jr. Frontenacs, the local AAA team that I had been playing with for 6 years. As I was starting to get prepared for my OHL draft year the following year, my Mom had mentioned to me that there was this thing called “prep school” in the States. I instantly became interested, and when my Mom moved back to her home in Connecticut, I decided to drop everything I knew and move 7 hours south to Wallingford, Connecticut. It was not easy leaving everything I knew and loved behind, but I just knew it was for the best. When I arrived I went to several hockey tryouts for different teams. It was then, at one of the tryouts that I had met the coach of Canterbury at the time, and soon after decided to attend Canterbury as a repeat freshman.
As you can tell from my picture above that is where I spent most of my time as a freshman on the varsity hockey team (on the bench). I was 14 years old when I made the team, and being one of the youngest kids there, I was up against 19 and even 20 year olds which made things very scary but I had a great group of guys in the locker room who showed me the ways. I can’t thank them enough (Luke, Connor, Shane, Decker, Short, to name a few). I actually started the season off great. In my first 4 games, I had 2 goals and an assist. I actually got moved up to the third line. Then in a game against Kent I got hit along the boards in my own zone, and I just did not feel right. I went to the bench and did not say a word. I knew the second I told someone I was going to sit out for a long time, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to dress for the rest of the season. Eventually, I toughed it out like I was taught to do my entire life, and I played the rest of the season without saying a word about the pain I was feeling. After that season, I never felt right.
I would feel dizzy often and sometimes I would have to sit in my room with the lights off because of my headaches. I felt this great deal of anxiety all of the sudden, everything felt like as if I was dying. I became a hypochondriac. If I had a headache, I thought I had a tumor, if I coughed, I thought I had lung cancer. I did not know where this came from. At night, if I lay my head down too far, I would get dizzy, and so I spent most nights falling asleep sitting upright. I would get black spots in my vision and my peripheral vision declined. Then, all of the sudden, one night after the hockey season was over, I could not stand the symptoms anymore. I broke down and called my Mom to tell her to come get me. We packed up my stuff and the next time I returned to school was to pick up the rest of my belongings.
My Mom did not know what to do. I would lay in bed all day with the lights off, praying my headache would go away. After some time, and talking to doctors, they figured I had developed “Post Concussion Syndrome” – which is what happens when someone sustains a concussion yet continues to do activities without letting your brain heal. It’s like a concussion but much much worse. I would get shakes, jolts, headaches, migraines, blurry vision, black spots in my vision, floaters, terrible anxiety and the worst for me: insomnia.
I would go to bed at 4AM sometimes, and would wake up at 7 or 8. I could not sleep. I would sit in bed and wonder if I was ever going to be normal again. I became depressed and everything I used to love, seemed like nothing. If ever my friends wanted to hang out, I would tell them that I was busy and that I could not. The only time I left the house was to get the mail. I became this person, I never wanted to be.
After around 3 months, I started to feel better. I had less headaches, no more shaking etc. I was finally cleared to play hockey again. I was so happy. I finally felt complete. I did not realize though that I became not only a different person, but also a different hockey player. I didn’t feel the same out there. I was slower, less agile, etc. I was a mess. When I returned to Canterbury, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to play. Thankfully, I slowly started to feel more confident, and I ended up having a better season than I thought.
I now train at EPS in Foxboro, Massachusetts, and they have been great with me. They really know their stuff and they have helped me become a lot stronger and faster. I can’t wait to get back there on Monday. I also train on ice with Peter Russo. He has to be one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He took me in last summer and I became a much much better player after. He has an understanding of hockey that I wish I could learn one day. He is an inspiration to me and I can’t thank him enough for believing in me when no one really else did. I wish him the best of luck as the new head coach of BB&N.
Overall the concussion changed me as not only a hockey player, but as person too. I still struggle with the after effects. I still struggle with migraines, insomnia etc. However, thanks to an amazing Mother and group of people who support me I know that I will be just fine. I may not be the hockey player I once was, but it is my hope one day to be again. Despite my triumphs, the only thing on my mind is to get ready for my senior season at Canterbury.
If anyone who has ever struggled with or is struggling with a concussion and wants to talk, please contact me at: mgervais@cbury.org.
You’re never alone.
Edited by: Angelos Tsalafos (editor & publisher)
The Players' Cave 